Dear Dollar Signs,
Every year, I go on a summer trip to a beach town with my friends for about a week. Because we have to book an entire house, we need to commit to the trip in the fall. This year, though, I can’t afford it because I was laid off in November and still haven’t found a job.
My room in the house for the week costs between $1,200 and $1,400. Then there are expenses like gas, food and general spending. All in, I estimate the trip would cost about $2,000. Obviously, when I said I could go on this trip, I was still employed and expected to have income.
Am I a jerk for backing out now?
Bad Beach Friend
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Dear Friend,
No, you are not a jerk. Give yourself some grace here. Being unemployed for half a year takes a toll on both your wallet and your self-worth.
While I don’t believe in depriving yourself of joy just because you’re unemployed, I do think you’re right not to go on a trip as pricey as this one. Your focus right now should be on applying for jobs and finding more economical ways to have fun.
It’s worth mentioning that your exact predicament is probably going to be fairly common this summer. As of March, the number of long-term unemployed people — those who have been unemployed for 27 weeks or more — rose by 322,000 over the past year to 1.8 million, according to data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics.
Still, this is tough. I’ve also had to back out of a trip for financial reasons, so I know it can feel like an unwelcome reality check — concrete proof that you’re not in a great place monetarily or emotionally.
There is a way to share this unfortunate news that conveys your remorse and acknowledges that it may increase the cost of your friends’ trip. You don’t say how many people are staying in the house, but even if you were traveling with five others, absorbing that $1,400 would increase their accommodation costs by $280 each, which is significant.
As with all delicate situations, how you tell your friends is more important than what you tell them. And the sooner you do so, the better.
“You do need to start with an apology,” says Lizzie Post, an etiquette expert. “What you’re about to do is really putting them in a tough position.”
How to tell people
Telling people individually — either over the phone or in person — might be the best course of action, she adds.
“The same way you wouldn’t want to be broken up with via text, this is difficult news for you to share and for them to hear,” Post says. “Over the phone, they can hear the regret in your voice, which conveys that you understand the impact you’re going to have on other people.”
It would be smart to tell the organizer of the vacation first, says Sara Jane Ho, another etiquette expert and host of the podcast “Hot Water.” Be honest and contrite. Then, you should do two things: Help fill your spot and offer to pay for part of the trip.
“Ask if there is anyone who wants to bring a spouse or a friend,” she says. “Otherwise, tell the organizer that you’re in a tough financial situation and can’t pay for all of it, but maybe you can cover half or a portion of it,” to help defray the cost for others.
You know your own finances best and it may defeat the reason for canceling if you pay for half of the trip without even going, so this is something you would have to decide for yourself. It’s certainly a nice gesture, but not 100% necessary.
You could say something like: “I’m really sorry, but I can’t afford to go on the trip. When I committed, I still had a job. I was hoping something else would turn up, but it didn’t. I know this might make the trip more expensive, and I sincerely apologize for that.”
Since summer is almost here, you might face some annoyance or pushback from your friends for waiting this long to back out. That’s OK. Take a moment before responding, and be sympathetic to the situation they’re facing as a result of your decision.
“This stuff happens,” Post says. “Feel bad in the sense that you regret you can’t go and that it will have an impact on people, but don’t let someone guilt-trip you or make you feel like you’re an irresponsible person.”
They might be upset, but ultimately, it wouldn’t be financially responsible for you to go. Right now, your priority should be making sure you’re not in this position next summer.
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