Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here.
Dear Prudence,
I’ve been happily married for the past 12 years to my high-school sweetheart, who I am quite certain is gay. We grew up in conservative households in the same small town and married after high school. With age, maturity, and city living, I could write a mile-long list of the reasons I know my husband is closeted. Here’s the twist: Even if I had proof he was gay—and even if that proof were sexual infidelity with men—I’d happily stay married to him. My husband is a real catch, and we really enjoy each other’s company. I have every reason to believe he’s happy, too. Besides, his sporadic overtures in the bedroom are in line with my low libido. We have no children and don’t want any. I am content to be married to my husband for as long as he feels similarly. My sister, the only person in whom I’ve confided, thinks I should “set him free” by broaching the topic. Is it terribly selfish of me to just enjoy my marriage for what it is and hope he never comes to the same realization I have?
—A Happily Obliging Beard
Dear Beard,
Everyone with gaydar has met a married couple, thought the husband was gay, and mused at what’s going on. I’ve wondered if the wife suspected anything (or was too naive when they got married to know what to suspect), whether the husband was just out of touch with his own nature, or if they both knew but the arrangement worked for them. Thanks for the insight into one case. Your situation is similar to that of actress Fran Drescher. She, too, married her high-school sweetheart, and after their long marriage ended, he came out. She created a sitcom about all this and said in a recent article about her relationship with her ex, “Now that he’s living a more authentic life, we are once again the best of friends.” Two people who thoroughly enjoy each other’s company have a great starting point for a marriage, but for most people that wouldn’t also be the ending point. Ideally, marriage is a place of physical and emotional connection that is uniquely intimate. We are long past time when homosexuality was “the love that dare not speak its name,” but not daring to speak to your husband about his probable gayness leaves you physically and emotionally vulnerable. Maybe your “sporadic” sexual connection is enough for both of you. (Although it’s possible that if you were with a partner who was more interested sexually, it would spark a renaissance of your libido.) But if he has come to the same conclusion about himself that you have, and is acting on that knowledge, at the very least you need reassurance he is doing everything possible to protect against STDs. You are both still young, and if your marriage requires silence and denial, then you run the risk of being alone in middle age because your husband finally acknowledges his need to live as a gay man. If you decide to broach this, it does not have to be for the purpose of ending your marriage, but because this is the kind of thing two people in a marriage should be able to speak about.
—Emily Yoffe
From: My Gay Husband. (March 15, 2012).
Dear Prudence,
Last week, my wife and I got in an argument as we were driving to a friend’s house for a dinner engagement. We were running 20 minutes late, however my wife was adamant that we stop to pick up a bottle of wine. I argued that it would be a greater courtesy to arrive as soon as we could. We stopped and got wine and flowers and arrived nearly an hour late. Our friends were gracious, and the gifts were appreciated. What would have been better: arriving an hour late with gifts, or arriving a little late empty handed? Clearly, arriving on time with gifts is the best, but we barely make our flights.
—Chronically Late
Dear Chronically,
Your hosts may have been gracious, but they were silently grinding their teeth as they watched the roast become a cinder and all their other guests become drunk waiting for you. Apologizing for your tardiness and giftlessness would have been preferable. A thank you the next day could have included dropping off a bottle of wine. I’m also chronically late, for which there is no excuse, but at least I know to put some systems in place to reduce my inconvenience of others. I never have to stop on the way for a hostess gift because I have a stash of wine and, in the mad rush out the door, all I have to do is grab a bottle. I would also think the prospect of facing the TSA while frantic and panting would help get you to the airport on time.
—E.Y.
From: Longtime Companion. (Sept. 08, 2011).
Dear Prudence,
When we got married, my wife was mostly attracted to women. I (a man) was bisexual. Neither of us wanted monogamy, so we decided to have an open relationship. Which is great, except that I’m now exclusively attracted to men. She’s still 99.9 percent into women but wants to remain sexual, at least occasionally, because otherwise she doesn’t see the point in staying. We love each other very much and our relationship works on so many levels … except sexually. They say marriage is about compromise. But am I compromising too much?
—Mixed-Orientation Marriage
Dear Marriage,
I don’t know that there’s such a thing as compromising “too much”; one person’s too much is another’s just right. The question is whether what works for you could possibly work for her, or whether you’re going to have to admit that the two of you are no longer compatible. What you would like out of your marriage, it seems, is to end the sexual component, continue to sleep with other people, but remain emotionally and logistically committed to one another as partners. She wants to keep sleeping together and “doesn’t see the point” in remaining partnered if you don’t have sex. Are you willing to sleep with her, even though you’re no longer attracted to her, for the rest of your marriage just to keep things together? If not, I think you might have your answer.
—Danny M. Lavery
From: Help! I Don’t Want a Divorce—I Just Want to Stop Having Sex With My Wife. (July 25, 2016).
My GF and I recently started having sex. I’m not sure the best way to explain it, so I’m going to just give you some examples of things she says during sex. “You’re doing great!” “Your technique and fundamentals are really good.” (While going down on her:) “Yes! Keep going! You can do it!” “Wow! That’s good. You must have been practicing!” Mind you, let me reiterate, these are things she is saying WHILE we are having sex…
