Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter “Clara’s” biological father committed a violent sexual assault while we were married and received a lengthy prison sentence for it. She wasn’t even 2 at the time, so I made a decision about what to tell her.
I told my daughter that her biological father was dead. I never expected him to walk free. I divorced him and remarried a couple of years later, and my husband adopted her. (He is now deceased.) Because of the nature of my ex’s offense, I kept up with his parole hearings. Recently, I was horrified to learn he had been granted parole.
Clara is now married with two children under 5. I am terrified that my ex will come searching for her. I know I need to tell her the truth about her father before he contacts her. Where do I even begin?
—Stalked by the Past
Dear Stalked by the Past,
Begin wherever you can. Go to her house, make a phone call, write a text. The medium doesn’t matter as much as getting her the information as soon as you’re able to. You want her to hear this from you, not when your ex shows up at her door or in her DMs.
And then just tell her the truth: You need to share some upsetting information about her biological father. You lied to her when you said he was dead. In fact, he is alive and has been in prison for a violent crime. You wanted to protect her. But now he is getting out, and in case he does look her up, you need her to hear the truth from you first. Share his full name and information you have about the case.
Then follow her lead. She’s going to be shocked. She may be furious. If she wants space, give her space. If she wants to yell at you, let her yell at you. This is a big betrayal. She’s going to have a lot of feelings. Reassure her that you love her fiercely and tried to do the best by her. Apologize if she thinks you made the wrong choice. You’re going to have many conversations about this. Many chances to talk about your decision. Be truthful, be empathetic, and listen to her feelings. It might take some time, but I do think she will see that you were trying to protect her. Continue to care for her by being there for her now.
—Logan
I’m a dad to two boys (13 and 11), and I just divorced their mother a couple of months ago. We’re currently all still living in the same house together, but I’m going to move out at the end of the calendar year. I’m writing because I know that my ex-wife has poisoned the mind of my oldest son.
